I always get the impulse to write these when I'm in a slightly altered state. Right now, I'm way over-tired. I'm not sure if that makes me any more or less lucid or coherent. Probably less of both. You have been warned.
Along the lines of emotionally vulnerable, transparent blogging that I seem to have gotten myself into, I kind of have a lot to divulge. And there's a part of me that's going, that's private! But a larger part is like, share with the world! It's all good stuff! And I have been sharing with my close friends. I have been so excited that it's hard to contain, that I'm like, guess what!?! every time I have a one-on-one hangout.
So, I have decided to go on testosterone, and it's SO WILD, because on the one hand, there's my own, personal exuberance. I never would have thought I'd be this excited to begin a second puberty, but I really am. I'm like, first day of summer camp excited. Going to India for five months excited. Riding my bike across the country to move to a new place excited. These are all things I've done, and they all represent big, scary, unknowns (or they did, before I did them). What can I say? Adventure is my middle name.
So, like I said, on the one hand, my own exuberance. On the other hand are all of these super loaded cultural tropes about masculinity and femininity, and where I stand in my own generation, my own queer community, that at least in this piece of west philly has a lot of trans guys, and what does that mean? I mean, does it matter? What do I even mean by that? (I suspect these are the ramblings of an under-slept Zem, but I don't think they're without validity--and yes, that double negative means I think they have some validity, even if my brain is tired).
But at the same time! I have made this huge personal decision; I am fucking psyched about it, and I'm feeling celebratory--which feels appropriate, given that my birthday is in two weeks. Feel free to send me love letters.
Oh! And an update on surgery! I think I have found a surgeon who will accept a letter from the dr. who prescribes me testosterone, stating that I am of sound mind and know that this is an irreversible surgical procedure. Bam! Don't have to go to therapy! Further, she's not too far away (can drive there), and she's done several friends' surgeries and they've LOVED her. All is well.
Hey Zem!
ReplyDeleteI'm really excited for you! This is all new, unmapped territory. I want you to answer these questions. I mean, what does it mean? Really, what does it all mean? These are such complicated issues, and here you are in a very specific intersection, gender and hormones and culture and West Philly. I'm excited about this first-person, emotionally vulnerable blogging, too, because the more specific and personal this writing is, even if it seems more like a journal entry than an article, the more
(Goddam iPad never works on Blogger)
ReplyDeleteI was going to say, the more it illuminates (paradoxically, maybe? I don't know, and I can't delete that) the human experience. iMHO. Even people with vastly different experiences of their gender can benefit a lot from hearing your experience. So Blog, Zem, Blog!